Romantic Cliché
by CommanderLavellan
Summary: Shepard takes on Joker and EDI's advice to see how she feels about Garrus. Romantic clichés can't be that bad, right?


"I mean," Shepard growled, sitting next to Joker in the main bridge, "How do you know?"

"You do realize who you're asking, right?" Joker's chair swirled around toward her, shaking his head.

"Should I not be asking you?" Shepard leaned her forearms against her knees.

"Shepard, I haven't even been touched, let alone kissed, for the past nine years." Joker chuckled, "You're asking the _wrong_ person—plus, I'm bias. I'm in favor of Garrus now, he's helping us kick the Collectors out of the galaxy while Kaidan's all 'Fuck you, fuck Cerberus, I'm an Alliance soldier. Ne, ne, ne, ne, _ne_.' Ugh, hate him."

Shepard leaned back in her chair and laughed, "Yeah, well, I guess after Horizon, Kaidan and I aren't...Kaidan and I anymore."

"Shepard," EDI's interface popped up on the control board in front of Shepard, "I am sorry for eavesdropping but—"

"Do you ever not eavesdrop?" Joker glared at EDI's Interface.

"Joker." Shepard said sternly. Joker held up his heads, rolling his eyes.

"Continue, EDI."

"It is my understanding that what you're looking for is...evidence of your feelings for Officer Vakarian."

"That's one way to put it." Joker mumbled, hiding a smirk behind his hand.

"From my understanding of organic life—"

"Which is nothing." Joker interrupted.

"...I may not be human, Mister Moreau, but you haven't been 'touch', as you put it, in _longer_ than nine-years."

Joker stuttered, his face flushed as he tried to think of a come back. Shepard laughed and rested her hands on her stomach, "Nice one, EDI."

"Thank you, Shepard. As I was saying, I have been researching organic life to understand the crew better. On the extranet, I found some old comical romance vids that show the same situation which you are currently in."

"Watch out, Commander." Joker chuckled, "You're about to become a cliché."

Shepard pursed her lips in thought, "What exactly did these characters do in their...situations?"

"Some of them did exactly what you are doing."

"What am I doing?" Shepard furrowed her brows.

"Asking the best friend for help—who, in turn, gives them horrible advice that seems to work."

"You mean Joker?" Shepard looked over at Joker who had an annoyed look on his face.

"Yes."

"Well, Joker," Shepard smirked, crossing her arms, "What would you do?"

"No." Joker waved his hands in front of him, shaking his hand, "I wouldn't even know what to do."

"The friend usual tells them to do something stupid," EDI continued, "Like kiss the romantic interest and see how you feel."

"You mean compare the kiss?" Shepard asked.

"In a matter of speak, yes. You already know how you feel about Officer Alenko."

"Yeah but what does kissing have to do with—"

"Come on, Shepard." Joker laughed, "When you kissed Kaidan, how did you feel? Did your toes curl? Did your heart skip a beat? All the normal romantic cliche's."

"I..." Shepard looked down at her hands, her face contorted into doubt, "...No. None of that happened."

"That is your answer." EDI's interface shut off.

"Sweet, time to test Garrus. Now would be as good a time as any. You did just help him kill Sidonis. He's all vulnerable and lonely." Joker smirked, chuckling.

Shepard scrunched her nose up and looked at Joker appalled, "That would be taking advantage of him."

"It's just a kiss!" Joker defended himself, "It's not like you're taking him up to your cabin and—"

"Joker!" Shepard's face glowed red, her green eyes pleading with him to shut up. Joker held his hands up, his chair swerving back into place.

"You asked." Joker started clicking holo buttons, "You got an answer. It's up to you whether or not you take the advice."

Shepard sighed, standing up and leaving the bridge, "Thanks, Joker."

"Of course, Commander." Joker chuckled, "Anytime."

* * *

"EDI," Garrus continued to calibrate the main canon as EDI's voice boomed from the intercom.

"Yes, Officer Vakarian?"

"How much longer till the next shipment of equipment arrives for the Thannix Canons?"

"Shepard will be picking them up the next time we dock on Omega."

"Thank you, EDI."

"Logging you out, Officer Vakarian." Garrus stood up straight and moved away from the canon, walking back over to the main console. Garrus looked up at the screen as he continued to adjust the canon's coordinates. He huffed, tapping a few more buttons before giving up on the console. He turned around when he heard the main battery doors open. Shepard stepped through, her hands placed behind her back and she walked up to Garrus.

"Shepard, I wanted to—" Shepard grabbed Garrus armor collar, pulling him down to her level and planted her lips against his. Garrus froze against Shepard's lips, his eyes opened wide as his mandibles flared out, his hands gripping against the console behind him. Shepard pulled away, her tongue licking her top lip. She made a satisfied moan before leaning in and met his lips for a smooth and languid kiss. When she heard a small purr reverberate from in his chest she let go of Garrus, gazing to the side before nodded.

"Carry on, Vakarian." Shepard captured her chin between her fingers and nodded to Garrus before leaving the main battery. She walked through the mess hall, nodding to the crew, before pressing the button for the elevator.

" _Jane_!" Shepard turned around as she was pressed against the elevator door. Garrus didn't waste another second in capturing her lips. Her hands wandered about his arms, his torso, vigorously clinging to him. Pushing her against the elevator doors, he wrapped her up in his arms. Their tongues danced, their breaths mingled, and in the next second his mouth left hers. He leaned his forehead against her as she struggled to keep her footing, her eyes still shut. Shepard saw his smug and satisfied face before the elevator door opened and she fell in. Garrus left after winking at Shepard, the elevator doors closing as he walked around to the mess hell. Shepard's fingers trailed up to her lips, her lips unconsciously formed into a beaming smile, staring at the doors. It took her a few seconds to pull herself up, her legs weak. She leaned next to the elevator doors and pressed the CIC holo button.

"So," Joker smirked, seeing Shepard fall into the chair next to him, "I'm assuming everything went well."

"Hm?" Shepard looked at him, "What are you talking about?"

"Aw," Joker scoffed, his chair swerving to face Shepard, "Come on, Shepard! I gave you advice!"

"What advice?" Shepard crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow at Joker.

He glared, "EDI, save all video footage from deck three from the last hour and send it to my messages."

EDI's interface came up behind Joker, "Yes, Mister Moreau. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"EDI," Shepard smirked, "Deleted all audio files on all of deck three from the past hour. Including any backup copies and any backups of those backups and any copies the Illusive Man has yet to hear in the past hour."

"Of course, Commander. Deleting all records, any and all associated files are being deleted now as well."

Joker laughed, "What could would that do? I still have the video footage."

"EDI," Shepard's smirk grew smug, "Which camera's has Joker _not_ cleaned the oil off of yet?"

"Son of a—"

"All of them, Commander."

Shepard sighed, content, "That will be all, EDI."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

"I hate you." Joker glared at Shepard, his chair moving back to it's original position.


End file.
